Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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