my phone needs a breathalizer
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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