I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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