there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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