Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
