Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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