better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
