put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
