I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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