All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
