I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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