god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
