where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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