I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
