Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
