There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
No more Irish car bombs ever.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
