you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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