That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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