I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
