I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
