There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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