He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize