You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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