the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She told me I should be a condom model.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
