I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
