Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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