you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
