It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
