Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
