That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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