Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
