Your face is a jimmy john
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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