I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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