I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
