Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
