happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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