I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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