I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
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