another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
did i just pee glitter
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
