So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The best revenge is premature balding
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
