i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
