Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
