Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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