I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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