I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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