he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
