were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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