There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
