Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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