I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
