Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
As shirtless as possible
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
